I am going to vent here a little bit because I am in some pain.
It hasn’t been a week yet since the last infusion but I have to say this has been one of the more demoralizing cycles so far. By the end of October I felt like I had a good handle on side-effects and expectations for each cycle, and while I hated it, I was dealing with the worst of how it made me feel and avoiding major effects except for some issues I won’t go into great detail about regarding bleeding. Oh and the mystery fever. Forgot about that. I guess I forgot about a lot of it in a very short period of time.
The recovery from surgery seems almost illusionary right now in a lot of ways. Everything feels worse than before. More drawn out and grinding. I know that is almost certainly in my head. Obviously I am starting from a weaker baseline than I was at the start, but the insidious thing is last Tuesday I felt strong and normal and like I was starting over. I felt like I had all the strength I had at the beginning, and even more because I’m not as naive about chemo as I was.
Woof. That was not the case. It has been an exceedingly cruddy 6 days. I am also aware that I am in a whiny mood because I so badly wanted this to start back up more smoothly. It’s not as bad as it could be. It’s worse than it has been, is all.
It’s six more cycles. That’s all. Some nausea, some acid reflux, some nerve damage, some insomnia and pain. Those kids crashed in an airplane in the amazon and made it out alive after over a month with no one to help them. Three months of chemo is not as bad as that.
I also know that my medical team will listen to me and tune dosing or other things to help me get through. There are tools and tricks to make it better over time. I’m just really in it again and fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Wasn’t ready.
I’ll be ready for tomorrow.
Thank you for reading. Happy Tuesday!