Happy Anniversary

I intended to write something 2 weeks ago about the one year anniversary of the discovery of all the lumps inside me, but the date fell on the same day as the Riverwest24 and I was busy and then I was so very tired and there are so many events in my past that all seem to have happened in this two week period at the end of July that I could mark the date over and over and I plain forgot to stick some words here. I’ve been a cancer patient for a year. I think I have been a good one. It has been somewhat of an experience, I suppose, and I tried to write it all down. I was reading my journal yesterday while I sat at the marina and watched the sunset and it turns out I missed so much. I am going to have to write a whole new edition. I don’t think I can properly cover everything that happened and how I felt about it and how I feel about all the people that have helped me get to the end of the beginning. Cancer sucks, people rule.

Anyway, TODAY is one year since I had my chest port installed. I have a very love/hate relationship with it. I am grateful for the technology and so happy not to have destroyed my veins with poisonous chemicals. It has been great to avoid any need to walk around with IVs for days and days, but also it’s annoying a lot of the time, has sent me to the emergency clinic twice, and makes me think about blood clots more than anyone should. It also makes wearing some backpacks and PFDs a pain in the chest. I slept on my stomach last night to celebrate and woke up at 5am because I somehow managed to kinda pinch it between my pillow and the mattress and wowie zowie that was envigorating.

Yesterday I was poking around the internet looking at how long folks have them before they are removed, and like most things it seems like the stage II and III folks really “win” when it comes to this subject as they generally seem to get them out within 6 months of ending chemo. Some folks left ’em in for a couple years, sometimes due to the madness that is health insurance in the U.S., sometimes just in case. For us Stage IV titans, the answer seems to be that it’s in there until we’re slid into a crematorium.

This is one more of many cancer subjects where the stats are skewed by the gnarly survival rates for later stages and the vastly increased likelihood of recurrences and additional treatments. “Never getting it out” is kind of the same as “got it out after a year” when so many late stage patients don’t live long enough to beat that deadline. I keep that in mind when I get whiny to myself about the timelines. Not because I expect to be dead in a year, but because there is just nothing certain and comparisons are pointless.

In my opinion there is a real problem for folks with later stage cancers trying to figure out what to expect, because there are a ton of websites that will dryly tell you that shit sucks and the prognosis is not great, tons of posts from earlier stage survivors that may or may not be relevant, and there are support groups that are hurricanes of despair and hope. There are not a lot of people that put out stories about what happened to them for others to read. I know everyone’s experience is different, but there are similarities as well and it helps me, at least, to see what others have been through. Tips and tricks, as it were.

For me, Becky was that beacon of information and experience, and I will never ever ever be able to describe what she gave me when I needed it the most. I wish she was still here so I could try and tell her how important her stories and advice have been.

I hope beyond all imagination that no one reading this is ever diagnosed with cancer, especially late stage, but if you are, I beg you to call me. I will do my best to give you something to stand on in the storm of uncertainty, the same as was done for me.

So yeah, still here, still trying to spend more moments appreciating than complaining, still not always succeeding. Looking forward to my next colonoscopy so I can ask the doctor if it’s faster since there’s a foot less to look at.

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